hello readers, some random thoughts

yes readers, all the faithful, you know who you are (mom)

i've been deep in thought and i've come to the realization that there is one thing this blog needs more than anything else in the whole wide world.  it's the driving force of all writing and all thinking and all believing and all everythingness.

love.

you heard me, love.  love is that driving force.  and my poor little blog has been devoid of love as of late i think.  blogs need love like everything else!  you can't read one or appreciate one or share one or even write one without that special little package called ell oh vee ee.

so, blog, this one's for you.

......um....... hello blog.  i just wanted you to know that you've been real great lately.  a wonderful place for me to escape from writing in my other blog, the senior seminar one?  about artists and information.  you've been a fantastic slate for my enthusiasm, fears, discoveries, and future musings.  and i love you, blog, i really do.  i'm blessed to have you in my life.  truly.

there.  that's done.  can you tell i'm a little sleep deprived?

i'm kinda a grouch sometimes so i think God made me weird so that the universe can get back at me for my general bad attitude.  

some hard things

growing up can be a tricky business.

my little buddy, joey, just got a hair cut.  it's kinda buzzed off, as in, he had hair, now he doesn't.  poor joey, he doesn't like his hair cut.  "why joey?"  "i just don't like it."  but getting haircuts is a part of growing up.  it can be rough and annoying, and sometimes you just don't like it.  but it's necessary.

my sisters and i were laying on my mom's bed the other night.  my youngest sister bella was having a hard time, she has limes disease so sometimes she gets really tired and emotional.  she was struggling with thinking too many confusing thoughts that night.  i laid down next to her and my sister kayla laid on the other side and we looked up at the patterns on the ceiling.  i started just, talking to bella... i said, "you know bell, when i was your age i struggled with thoughts.  it feels like a thought pinball machine in your head right?  and there are too many balls, bouncing around at light speed going ping! ping! ping!  all on the sides, and each thought lights up a new fear or idea or memory."  bella nodded her head.  "well, the thoughts get louder and louder.  and then you start to hear the lies of the enemy.  he shouts those lies, really really loudly.  whatever you believe about your identity that isn't truth comes out like a tidal wave."  bella nodded her head again.  "well, you know how they say that truth is like a whisper.  God's voice is still and small, quiet and gentle.  but it is so so hard to hear that voice above all the clamor and screaming of the enemy's lies.  and sometimes,  you just wish that God's voice could shout louder than the enemy's lies, so that it would be easier to hear.

however, there is something we always forget.  when you are scared, or losing control, what do you do?  how do you respond?  ok, look at it this way... if you were losing control of your car, how would you respond?"  bella looked at me for a sec with a confused look, then i grabbed her and yelled.  "AAAAHHHHH!!!  you'd scream!!"  she giggled, "oh yeah"  "see, that's why i think the enemy's voice is so loud.  he knows he isn't just losing the battle for our hearts, he already lost it.  and now he's screaming, yelling, pelting us with every lie he's got because he is quickly spinning out of control.

God, on the other hand, has won the battle.  he doesn't need to shout or scream, he has the confidence of a quiet and gentle whisper.  he doesn't need to feel powerful because he is powerful.  he doesn't need to show satan who's boss because he is boss.  he doesn't need to prove that he is winning because he already won."

and then the three of us laid there for a while in silence.  then we stared at the ceiling and tried to turn it into an optical illusion, and then we went to watch the last airbender ;)

here's the thing though, i was trying to help my sister but honestly, growing up is a tricky business.  it sneaks up on you at the most inopportune times.  like last night, when i relearned a lesson i thought i had finished with years ago.  and the pain that comes with learning a lesson like that is like growing pains.... because there's no way i can forget the consequences of a selfish act.  it's battles like these that make my head feel like a pinball machine.  and hey.... relationships are hard.  but beautiful.  and i think last night i figured out that the beauty outweighs the difficulty.  love is something that you chose, it's a way of life, a hard way of life, but the only way of life that is worth living.  that's what Jesus tried to teach us stubborn mules when he came to visit 2000 years ago.

so yeah, growing up is a tricky business.

stupid peter pan..........

some thoughts on our decision

there are some things that never seem to change.  i have always enjoyed writing.... i learned early and used to write stories about puppies and princesses with illustrations to go along with them.  that being said i have always loved creating art, whether it's drawing, painting, or just smooshing my mashed potatoes around to make a mountain range or a patient having open heart surgery....  i have always been dramatic.   .................  enough said on that one.  i have always had a funny sort of yearning to travel, especially to africa.  i have always never ever known how to figure out physics.  i have always been prone to loving something or someone with my whole heart, some people would say obsessively.  (this can be good - loving the beach, my family or my wonderful fiance, or this can be bad - loving cookies, cheezits, old crushes from high school... oh, and superman)

there are some things that do change, and change a lot.  i actually enjoy running now.  i realize that i can wake up in the morning and thank god for the day instead of becoming a curse to all those around me because of selfishness, depression, or just a lack of sleep.  working hard is not just a necessity, it is a joy.  weekends are now fully appreciated.  and i am learning how to cook.... breakfast.  yessssss, just like my daddy.  most likely T will be cooking all the lunches and dinners, but breakfast baby... i got this.

here is another thing that has changed (that you already know about) T and i deciding to live in america rather than ethiopia.  originally, the plan was, we marry here, but we live there.  well..... obviously that is not the case anymore.  and now we have to decide when to start the process of, you know, petitioning for his visa/applying for his visa/getting stuff ready for said visa/receiving visa/using visa/applying for permanent residency/going through said process/applying for work permit/losing our minds/wonder who's actually reading this..........

sigh..... so i guess one more thing that needs to change for me is my trust in the lord's hand in all this needs to be seriously boosted.  its hard to see god in a tangled web of legalities and government stuff.... especially when it is so hard to understand.  but that's the point isn't it?  when life gets hard to understand, that's when we need to trust god the most.  because he sees all of it, feels all of it, knows all of it, understands all of it.  he is after all, the master builder.

i learned this interesting thing about god the other day:

god is not passing through time with us, rather, he surrounds the time stream because he created it.  picture time as a line, (duh, timeLINE) with a beginning and an end.  now, we are in that timeline somewhere.  so is moses, and the romans, and your great grandma and president obama.  well, god is not in that time line.  he is a circle around the line.  he completely surrounds it, holds it so to say, and is therefore present in every area of the line because he runs parallel to it everywhere in the line, enclosed around it.  that is why he knows the future, he is IN the future.  right now, at this very moment he is in the future.  but he is also in the present, and in the past.  he is above us and below us.  he is rock solid, sure, and steady, not moving and not passing through time.  that is why he is the same god yesterday today and tomorrow, because he IS there, as one god, yesterday today and tomorrow.  and didn't god say a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years, a day? (2 peter 3:8)  i always thought that meant he was really patient (which he is).  but i don't think that's what it means at all!  i think it means, god is unaffected by time passing, so that's why a day and a thousand years.... make no difference to him.

well, if god is not a part of our time stream, what else is he master over?

my brother brought a great one to mind:  light and darkness.  he says,  "even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,  for darkness is as light with you." (psalm 139:12)  does this mean that god brings light to the dark places (which he does)... or that whether something is dark or light makes no difference to him?  he is unaffected by darkness and lightness.... because he created darkness and lightness.  he exists OUTSIDE the physical reality of darkness and lightness.

and how about death and life?  do you think god exists outside the reality that is death and life?  or let me put it this way, is god alive?  the bible says over and over that GOD IS.  simply is.... not is alive.  he is life, he is the source of life, because he created life.  life flows from him and makes us alive, but we experience death when that life runs out.  jesus could not be held by the grave because he IS life, not is alive.  god exists outside the physical reality that is life and death.

or....... space?  how can god be all places at once, all the omni's (omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotentiallythecoolestever), if he exists inside of the reality of space?  he can't, so he must exist outside of that sphere of reality.

these are some thoughts i guess i needed to get them down.  sorry this has been long but the POINT is that i think that a god who is with me now and with me in the future, knows the whole plan because the plan doesn't change him or effect him, holds my life and my time in the palm of his hand.... is worth trusting.

always appreciate your prayers!