Tornado life

There are a lot of places that I want to go in life, physical as well as spiritual. As I walk daily through this tornado that is currently my life, it's hard to remember all the places I have already been and how incredible they have been.  For example, college. College is so cool folks! I have taken for granted the fierce independence that I gained from CNU, coupled with an atmosphere of total loving support. It's like going somewhere where you get to make all your own decisions and all the people around you's SOLE purpose is to give you what you need to succeed in those decisions.

Or how about Africa? The one place I absolutely wanted to go above all else.... And coincidently where I met my husband.  The beauty and rich culture I found in Ethiopia has inspired my artwork for two years now, and the experiences I had there have shaped who I am as a person almost as much as this past year has, working for the Giambrones.

Working as a nanny for a family with a terminally ill child? Wow.  Almost walked away from The Lord at one point but honestly the experience has done nothing but stretch and grow me.  I absolutely believe that God is Good now, which makes NO sense to a lot of people. Maybe God isn't supposed to make sense in the traditional way we as humans make sense of things.  I mean after all, we're a pretty messed up bunch of grapes.

Ok so basically, I quit my job.  Today is my last day and I do not have another job to take the place of this one.  Hahahahaha, talk about stretching the faith.  But here's the crazy part: I've been here before.  Standing on the edge of a precipice looking down into what seems an endless drop with razor sharp rocks at the bottom, covered in mist. In the pitch black darkness.  I've seen this before.... Right before I went to Africa. Right before I got married, right before I went to school (every single semester when I didn't have enough money), right before I started this job for the Giambrones.  Right before every single time I have ever stepped out in faith to do something new.  And there are never sharp rocks at the bottom! Someone always catches me.  THAT is a someone I can trust.  That is someone who is good.

Ugh.  I hate random posts with no flow and no poetry but I had to get those thoughts out somehow and since my life is a tornado right now. I suppose it makes sense that the post goes around in circles.

hello readers, some random thoughts

yes readers, all the faithful, you know who you are (mom)

i've been deep in thought and i've come to the realization that there is one thing this blog needs more than anything else in the whole wide world.  it's the driving force of all writing and all thinking and all believing and all everythingness.

love.

you heard me, love.  love is that driving force.  and my poor little blog has been devoid of love as of late i think.  blogs need love like everything else!  you can't read one or appreciate one or share one or even write one without that special little package called ell oh vee ee.

so, blog, this one's for you.

......um....... hello blog.  i just wanted you to know that you've been real great lately.  a wonderful place for me to escape from writing in my other blog, the senior seminar one?  about artists and information.  you've been a fantastic slate for my enthusiasm, fears, discoveries, and future musings.  and i love you, blog, i really do.  i'm blessed to have you in my life.  truly.

there.  that's done.  can you tell i'm a little sleep deprived?

i'm kinda a grouch sometimes so i think God made me weird so that the universe can get back at me for my general bad attitude.  

some hard things

growing up can be a tricky business.

my little buddy, joey, just got a hair cut.  it's kinda buzzed off, as in, he had hair, now he doesn't.  poor joey, he doesn't like his hair cut.  "why joey?"  "i just don't like it."  but getting haircuts is a part of growing up.  it can be rough and annoying, and sometimes you just don't like it.  but it's necessary.

my sisters and i were laying on my mom's bed the other night.  my youngest sister bella was having a hard time, she has limes disease so sometimes she gets really tired and emotional.  she was struggling with thinking too many confusing thoughts that night.  i laid down next to her and my sister kayla laid on the other side and we looked up at the patterns on the ceiling.  i started just, talking to bella... i said, "you know bell, when i was your age i struggled with thoughts.  it feels like a thought pinball machine in your head right?  and there are too many balls, bouncing around at light speed going ping! ping! ping!  all on the sides, and each thought lights up a new fear or idea or memory."  bella nodded her head.  "well, the thoughts get louder and louder.  and then you start to hear the lies of the enemy.  he shouts those lies, really really loudly.  whatever you believe about your identity that isn't truth comes out like a tidal wave."  bella nodded her head again.  "well, you know how they say that truth is like a whisper.  God's voice is still and small, quiet and gentle.  but it is so so hard to hear that voice above all the clamor and screaming of the enemy's lies.  and sometimes,  you just wish that God's voice could shout louder than the enemy's lies, so that it would be easier to hear.

however, there is something we always forget.  when you are scared, or losing control, what do you do?  how do you respond?  ok, look at it this way... if you were losing control of your car, how would you respond?"  bella looked at me for a sec with a confused look, then i grabbed her and yelled.  "AAAAHHHHH!!!  you'd scream!!"  she giggled, "oh yeah"  "see, that's why i think the enemy's voice is so loud.  he knows he isn't just losing the battle for our hearts, he already lost it.  and now he's screaming, yelling, pelting us with every lie he's got because he is quickly spinning out of control.

God, on the other hand, has won the battle.  he doesn't need to shout or scream, he has the confidence of a quiet and gentle whisper.  he doesn't need to feel powerful because he is powerful.  he doesn't need to show satan who's boss because he is boss.  he doesn't need to prove that he is winning because he already won."

and then the three of us laid there for a while in silence.  then we stared at the ceiling and tried to turn it into an optical illusion, and then we went to watch the last airbender ;)

here's the thing though, i was trying to help my sister but honestly, growing up is a tricky business.  it sneaks up on you at the most inopportune times.  like last night, when i relearned a lesson i thought i had finished with years ago.  and the pain that comes with learning a lesson like that is like growing pains.... because there's no way i can forget the consequences of a selfish act.  it's battles like these that make my head feel like a pinball machine.  and hey.... relationships are hard.  but beautiful.  and i think last night i figured out that the beauty outweighs the difficulty.  love is something that you chose, it's a way of life, a hard way of life, but the only way of life that is worth living.  that's what Jesus tried to teach us stubborn mules when he came to visit 2000 years ago.

so yeah, growing up is a tricky business.

stupid peter pan..........

some thoughts on our decision

there are some things that never seem to change.  i have always enjoyed writing.... i learned early and used to write stories about puppies and princesses with illustrations to go along with them.  that being said i have always loved creating art, whether it's drawing, painting, or just smooshing my mashed potatoes around to make a mountain range or a patient having open heart surgery....  i have always been dramatic.   .................  enough said on that one.  i have always had a funny sort of yearning to travel, especially to africa.  i have always never ever known how to figure out physics.  i have always been prone to loving something or someone with my whole heart, some people would say obsessively.  (this can be good - loving the beach, my family or my wonderful fiance, or this can be bad - loving cookies, cheezits, old crushes from high school... oh, and superman)

there are some things that do change, and change a lot.  i actually enjoy running now.  i realize that i can wake up in the morning and thank god for the day instead of becoming a curse to all those around me because of selfishness, depression, or just a lack of sleep.  working hard is not just a necessity, it is a joy.  weekends are now fully appreciated.  and i am learning how to cook.... breakfast.  yessssss, just like my daddy.  most likely T will be cooking all the lunches and dinners, but breakfast baby... i got this.

here is another thing that has changed (that you already know about) T and i deciding to live in america rather than ethiopia.  originally, the plan was, we marry here, but we live there.  well..... obviously that is not the case anymore.  and now we have to decide when to start the process of, you know, petitioning for his visa/applying for his visa/getting stuff ready for said visa/receiving visa/using visa/applying for permanent residency/going through said process/applying for work permit/losing our minds/wonder who's actually reading this..........

sigh..... so i guess one more thing that needs to change for me is my trust in the lord's hand in all this needs to be seriously boosted.  its hard to see god in a tangled web of legalities and government stuff.... especially when it is so hard to understand.  but that's the point isn't it?  when life gets hard to understand, that's when we need to trust god the most.  because he sees all of it, feels all of it, knows all of it, understands all of it.  he is after all, the master builder.

i learned this interesting thing about god the other day:

god is not passing through time with us, rather, he surrounds the time stream because he created it.  picture time as a line, (duh, timeLINE) with a beginning and an end.  now, we are in that timeline somewhere.  so is moses, and the romans, and your great grandma and president obama.  well, god is not in that time line.  he is a circle around the line.  he completely surrounds it, holds it so to say, and is therefore present in every area of the line because he runs parallel to it everywhere in the line, enclosed around it.  that is why he knows the future, he is IN the future.  right now, at this very moment he is in the future.  but he is also in the present, and in the past.  he is above us and below us.  he is rock solid, sure, and steady, not moving and not passing through time.  that is why he is the same god yesterday today and tomorrow, because he IS there, as one god, yesterday today and tomorrow.  and didn't god say a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years, a day? (2 peter 3:8)  i always thought that meant he was really patient (which he is).  but i don't think that's what it means at all!  i think it means, god is unaffected by time passing, so that's why a day and a thousand years.... make no difference to him.

well, if god is not a part of our time stream, what else is he master over?

my brother brought a great one to mind:  light and darkness.  he says,  "even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,  for darkness is as light with you." (psalm 139:12)  does this mean that god brings light to the dark places (which he does)... or that whether something is dark or light makes no difference to him?  he is unaffected by darkness and lightness.... because he created darkness and lightness.  he exists OUTSIDE the physical reality of darkness and lightness.

and how about death and life?  do you think god exists outside the reality that is death and life?  or let me put it this way, is god alive?  the bible says over and over that GOD IS.  simply is.... not is alive.  he is life, he is the source of life, because he created life.  life flows from him and makes us alive, but we experience death when that life runs out.  jesus could not be held by the grave because he IS life, not is alive.  god exists outside the physical reality that is life and death.

or....... space?  how can god be all places at once, all the omni's (omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotentiallythecoolestever), if he exists inside of the reality of space?  he can't, so he must exist outside of that sphere of reality.

these are some thoughts i guess i needed to get them down.  sorry this has been long but the POINT is that i think that a god who is with me now and with me in the future, knows the whole plan because the plan doesn't change him or effect him, holds my life and my time in the palm of his hand.... is worth trusting.

always appreciate your prayers!

I've been blogging all day.....

i am required to blog about art for my senior seminar all summer long and since i am a fabulous procrastinator, i have been putting those blogs off like crazy.  but earlier today i was able to get five done woohoo!  so i figured i would celebrate my victory by writing in a blog that i actually like.... aka, this one!

well the cat's out of the bag:  T and i have decided that we will live in america after we get married, at least, for a little while.  whew, what a relief to have made a decision about something.  and, AAAAAAHHHH!!! it's so scary that we have decided something!

it is going to be a very long process to get T over here safely and securely and, "not-to-be-deported-ly"... which include petitioning for a fiance visa, then acquiring a fiance visa then applying for a permanent resident visa then applying for a work permit... (T did i forget anything?)  finding jobs for both of us, planning for the wedding finishing school, senior seminar... oh, wait... that's my other blog again.  oops.

where was i?

oh yes.

we are asking God to please help make the process of getting his fiance visa go smoothly.  it would be a major bummer if they deported my husband after we get married.  oh!!  maybe they can deport me too, and we can have a wildly romantic kicked out of the country rebel honeymoon!.....  or maybe i'm pushing it on the optimism side of things.  let me read what i just wrote again to see if that even makes sense ..................... wow.  you're right jen kapp, i really am an optimist.

anyways, i guess the whole point of this post is to let everyone know that we have decided to remain in the usa, at least for a season, and to ask for prayer.  because it is going to be rough.... we have a long road ahead of us.

ps:  as a side note, can you also pray that i find a perfect wedding dress?  selfish prayer i know.... but i'm at least allowed to ask, right?

love yall!

Never read your old posts

Never ever ever read your old blog posts if you are as dramatic as I am. Cause I'm dramatic and it's just.... Embarrassing. Glad I got that one off my chest...... So I was gonna call this post "d-day" meaning "decision day" to represent the decision that T and I are making in four days about what we are going to do after we get married. However, then I read my old blogs and found them to be so disturbingly dramatic that I opted for a different title. T and I have been fasting movies and tv for 40 days to pray that God will guide us to the thing we must do after we get married.... Which is basically where are we going to live. It has been a real blessing doing this fast, and both of us have learned a lot about the holy spirit through it. Now the deadline is coming up and I like to think that we are like Gideon laying our fleece before the lord... A decision must be reached. So please pray for us? This is a huge step. God will be in it with us, no matter where we end up. And praise his holy name.... We will be together, the most important part. Love you guys so much.

iPad Post

So, this is going too be an interesting post for me. Not because I have anything at all interesting to say, not because something miraculous happened or because I have an incredible update. No the nature of this post is interesting because of the method of which the post is being posted. That's right ladies and gentlemen and fiancé (who occasionally reads my posts, hi T!) I am typing this blog on an iPad. And it is very interesting. For one thing the buttons occasionally switch up which confuses me, for another, autocorrect is a beautiful thing. I'm at work. I nanny for a family of three boys, 8, 9, and 11. All their names begin with the letter J so you can imagine how confusing it can be for me at times. However, these boys are a treasure. I love them so much even after working with them for about a month. I got this job from Ruth Bethany (shout out girl!) and it was a total answer to prayer since I was looking for a full time nanny job for this summer. Obviously, this time last summer I was working the dream job in Ethiopia, but I couldn't go back this summer because I had to make enough money for rent and tuition and stuff to complete my last semester at CNU so I can marry my best friend you know how it is. Oh, and there is something about my littlest J you guys should know. He has a very rare und undiagnosed blood disorder that prevents his little body from making enough blood. I take him in to the hospital for weekly transfusions. You wouldn't know that he was sick from looking at him, or talking to him, or playing with him even. He is the sweetest little guy in the whole world, and dare I say the bravest. And other than his brother the 9 year old J, the most active!!! The first time I took J into the fairfax childrens hospital for his weekly transfusion, I was blown away by two feelings. One was sadness.... This hospital is filled with the most beautiful little kids, adorable, smiling, curly headed angels.however, I know that every single one of these little guys is very very sick in some way,or else they wouldn't be here. Oh it is heartbreaking. it was such a painstakingly huge reminder that suffering is NOT a thing only to be found on the streets of addis ababa, or an orphanage. No, suffering is here, in my own homeland, America the land of the free and home of the brave. There are kids here who won't live out the year, there are homeless and there are broken... There are lost. The second thing that hit me was joy because this children's hospital is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. There is not a blank spot, brightly colored murals and paintings cover the walls, there are rugs and patterned floors and comfy chairs and kid movies playing, there is even a huge art corner section with a bona-fide art therapist. the fact that this place is made to be so full of light and beauty was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I told the art therapist on staff, Gretchen, that very thing when we struck up a conversation about art and her job and my travels to Ethiopia. And I wish I wish I wish I could bring this kind of care to my second home, the country that I have grown to love.... I want to paint the capital city of addis ababa with giant flowers and butterflies to remind the sick and the weary and the lost children that someone cares enough to make their home beautiful. There is something SO uplifting about a brightly colored space in the middle of adversity. Can you pray for my little J? i forgot to mention something else, he is doing a bone marrow transplant in August. This, for those of you who don't know (like me who had to look it up) is a VERY serious proceedure that could be life threatening. And he is only eight. He and his whole family are going to Disney world next week with Make a Wish. I am so syked for him, he is so excited:) So please pray. This family has already been through so much, if the bone marrow transplant goes well, things could get a lot easier... But they will be a lot harder for a while first. God puts us where we need to be each summer, whether it is Africa, or right here in sterling, five miles away from your own house. -blessings